Every December, the same small tragedy plays out in living rooms across Britain. A person of otherwise sound mind opens a Christmas card, pen hovering, telly on pause, and their entire vocabulary leaves the building. Twenty minutes later they write "Merry Christmas, love us" for the fourteenth consecutive year and die a little inside.

This article is the cure. Sixty ish funny Christmas card messages, sorted by victim, ready to steal. I run a card company, so the cards themselves are blank inside, which is precisely why I've had to become good at this. Consider what follows a public service with a gift shop attached.

For family

1. Merry Christmas to the reason I need a bigger table and a longer fuse.
2. You're my favourite relative. Don't tell the others. Actually do.
3. Another year of us pretending Grandad's stuffing recipe is fine.
4. Merry Christmas. I've already eaten your share of the good chocolates. This card is an apology.
5. To a wonderful family: see you at 1pm, fed and watered by 8, gone by half past. You know the drill.
6. Christmas isn't Christmas without you falling asleep during the film you chose.
7. Merry Christmas from your least disappointing child.
8. We survived another year of the family group chat. Medals for everyone.

For friends who can take it

9. Merry Christmas. I couldn't be bothered to think of anything funny, and honestly, neither could you.
10. You're proof Santa doesn't check the list properly.
11. Merry Christmas to someone I'd happily share a trench with, as long as you did the cooking.
12. I got you this card because the front of it made me think of you. Reflect on that.
13. Have a lovely Christmas. You deserve it. I can't believe I wrote that sober.
14. Merry Christmas, sugar tits. (This works even better if the card already says it. There's a whole Gavin and Stacey shelf for the fans.)
15. Another year older, another year weirder. Never change. Bit less would be fine though.
16. Wishing you a Christmas as fun as you think your stories are.

For the office and the Secret Santa

17. Merry Christmas! May your inbox be empty and your out of office aggressive.
18. To a great colleague: thanks for pretending my mute button jokes are funny all year.
19. Season's greetings from three desks away.
20. Merry Christmas. This card cost more than the Secret Santa budget allowed. Cherish it.
21. May your January be free of the emails you're ignoring right now.
22. Wishing you a restful break from the meetings that could have been this card.

For the politics lot

Some people follow the news the way others follow football, and those people are a joy to buy for. This year's runners: Trump declaring it the Best Christmas Ever (everybody says so), Farage's admirably specific Christmas list, and season's greetings from the actual King of the North. Messages to go inside:

23. Merry Christmas. Tariffs may apply.
24. All I want for Christmas is £72,000,000. Failing that, socks.
25. Wishing you a tremendous Christmas. The best Christmas. Everybody says so.
26. Merry Christmas from the North. We run things now.
27. Let's agree not to discuss any of it until at least the cheese course.
28. The full political cards range is here if your household enjoys a festive debate.

For the telly obsessives

29. O come all ye Faithfuls. (Yes, the Traitors card. It outsold nearly everything last year, and with the celebrity series on, this year could be carnage.)
30. Merry Christmas. I'd never banish you. Probably.
31. You're 100% Faithful. This card is 100% recycled joke.
32. Wishing you a Christmas with no murders at the round table. Family lunch excluded.

Puns, for people of taste

33. Have your elf a merry little Christmas.
34. I'm feeling extra Santa-mental this year.
35. It's the most wine-derful time of the year.
36. Yule be sorry you opened this.
37. Fleece Navidad.
38. Let's get elfed up.
39. This card is sleigh-ing it. I'll stop.
40. I only have ice for you. Sorry. Genuinely sorry.

For couples

41. Merry Christmas to my favourite person to ignore while we both look at our phones.
42. You're on the nice list. I checked. I run it.
43. All I want for Christmas is you. And the big tin of Quality Street. Mostly the tin.
44. Merry Christmas to the only person whose crackers jokes are worse than mine.
45. I'd choose you over a lie in on Christmas morning. Don't test this.

Sign offs that beat "love us"

46. Yours until the cheese runs out.
47. Regards, warm ones, festive even.
48. See you on the other side of the sprouts.
49. Love from the good side of the family.
50. No need to reply. It's a card.

The rules, briefly

Match the message to the card. A sweet message in a rude card is a plot twist; a rude message in a sweet card is a crime scene. Write big, the blank inside of our funny Christmas cards is A6 and generous. And post early, because the only thing sadder than no card is a January one.

Now go. Write something worth opening. And if the front of the card does the heavy lifting for you, well. That was rather the idea.