Dads are impossible to write cards for, and I'll tell you why. Everything a dad genuinely enjoys (a firm handshake, a quiet drive, the thermostat set to his exact specification) cannot be wrapped, and everything he says he wants is "nothing, don't waste your money". So the card carries the whole operation. The card is the gift. No pressure.

Here are fifty funny things to write in your dad's birthday card, sorted by the kind of dad you're dealing with. I've road tested a worrying number of these on my own father, who responded to his favourite with a single nod. Highest possible praise.

Classic dad digs

1. Happy birthday to a man who remembers when this card would've cost 20p, and will say so.
2. You're not old, you're vintage. Vintage things also creak.
3. Another year closer to your true final form: a man shouting at squirrels.
4. Happy birthday! You don't look a day over the age you tell people you are.
5. They say age is just a number. Yours is just quite a big one now.
6. You're at the age where your back goes out more than you do.
7. Don't think of it as getting older. Think of it as levelling up your ability to fall asleep in chairs.
8. Happy birthday to a man who's been 45 in his head since 1998.

Tributes to the dad joke

9. Happy birthday to the only man who laughs at his own jokes before the punchline, during it, and for some time afterwards.
10. Thanks for a lifetime of jokes that made Mum leave the room. Legend.
11. Your puns are terrible. Your timing is worse. Never, ever stop.
12. Hi Hungry. I'm your child. Happy birthday.
13. You've earned this card. Pull my finger to open it.

Sentimental, but recoverable

14. You're the reason I have a good sense of humour and a bad sense of direction. Happy birthday.
15. Thanks for teaching me everything I know. Sorry about everything I did anyway.
16. Happy birthday Dad. No one measures up to you. (If you want the card to say that too, it exists, and it has a tape measure on it, which he will respect.)
17. You're my favourite parent. Burn this before Mum sees it.
18. I turned out brilliantly. This is your card, but really it's my thank you.
19. Happy birthday from your favourite child. You know it. I know it. The card knows it.
20. Love from the child currently winning. (This one settles the argument in print.)

For the dad with a specialist subject

21. Happy birthday to the only man who can hear the heating come on from two rooms away.
22. May your birthday be as satisfying as a perfectly stacked dishwasher, loaded by you, after you've redone everyone else's attempt.
23. Wishing you a day of uninterrupted shed time.
24. Happy birthday to a man who checks the tyre pressure of cars that aren't his.
25. May your gravy be thick and your barbecue undercooked in the middle, exactly as you like to serve it.
26. Another year of you saying "we don't need a takeaway, there's food in the house". Happy birthday. We're getting a takeaway.
27. Hope your birthday is better than the traffic on the way here, which I know you'll tell me about.
28. To the man who has never once been lost, merely "taking the scenic route".

Rude, for the dads who give as good as they get

29. Happy birthday you old git. Respectfully.
30. You're living proof they didn't always have safety standards.
31. Another year, another card you'll read once and use as a coaster.
32. Happy birthday. The candles cost more than the cake this year.
33. You're not grumpy, you're just permanently disappointed in traffic, weather and referees. Happy birthday.
34. Cheers Dad. You're the reason I can't watch snooker without falling asleep. It's hereditary.

Short ones, for small cards and men of few words

35. Nod if you love me. Happy birthday.
36. Beer's in the fridge. Card's in your hand. Sorted.
37. Happy birthday, boss.
38. You'll do.
39. Daddy shark, doo doo doo doo. Sorry. (Also a card, if you want the earworm to be his problem.)
40. Same again next year?

Grandad tier

41. Happy birthday to a man with a story for every occasion and the same story for most of them.
42. You've still got it. It's in the garage, third shelf, but you've got it.
43. Happy birthday Grandad. Thanks for slipping me money like it's contraband.
44. May your birthday nap be long and your biscuit supply undisturbed.
45. You're my favourite antique.

And five sign offs

46. Love from your retirement plan.
47. See you when I need something fixed.
48. From your favourite. Discussed above. Settled.
49. Yours in gravy.
50. No need to say anything. A nod will do.

All of these fit comfortably in the blank inside of our A6 cards, printed here in Manchester on cardstock sturdy enough to survive being read once and displayed on the mantelpiece until roughly Easter. The full flock of funny birthday cards lives here, dad appropriate and otherwise.

Now write it in pen, first time, no drafts. He'd respect that.