Looking for the funniest Gavin and Stacey quotes? You are in the right place. Below you will find the best Nessa sayings and one liners, the finest moments from Smithy, Uncle Bryn, Doris and the rest of Barry Island, and, because we are a card company and cannot help ourselves, ideas for turning them into the perfect message inside a Gavin and Stacey card. Whether you need a caption, a quiz answer, or something to write to the Nessa in your life, it is all here. Crackin.

Nessa's best sayings and one liners

Nessa Jenkins is the undisputed queen of the one liner. She has lived several lifetimes, knows several celebrities, and explains none of it. Her greatest hits:

1. What's occurring? The greeting that replaced hello in half of Britain.
2. Oh! One syllable doing the work of an entire paragraph.
3. Tidy. The highest praise available in Barry.
4. Lush. Reserved for genuine luxury, like a mini break or a battered sausage.
5. I'm not gonna lie. The universal warning that honesty is incoming whether you want it or not.
6. Truth be told, I loves you I do. The closest Nessa ever gets to a Shakespearean sonnet, and somehow more romantic than one.
7. Listen to me now. The briefing has begun. Take notes.
8. Come here now. An order, never an invitation.
9. That's a matter for me. Nessa's entire privacy policy in five words.
10. I've had my fair share of fellas. The opening line of a thousand untold stories.
11. Seriously now. Deployed when the room needs settling.
12. Where to you to? Barry Island geography, as a question.
13. Oh oh oh, merry Christmas. Santa Claus, reimagined via the slots arcade. Now available as a Christmas card and a mug, obviously.
14. Merry Christmas, sugar tits. The festive greeting for people who have earned it. Yes, it is a card.
15. The CV. Not one quote but a genre: any Nessa anecdote that begins with a global celebrity and ends with absolutely no further explanation. She has done things, she has seen things, and that is a matter for her.

Smithy's finest moments

16. Gavlar! One nickname, infinite volume.
17. Smithy in the house. An entrance policy, not a sentence.
18. Unbelievable. Smithy's review of most situations, and all referees.
19. The takeaway order. The greatest monologue in British sitcom history is, in fairness, a man ordering an Indian for six people and defending every single item. We will not transcribe it. You already know it by heart.
20. Have a word with yourself. Barry Island's answer to therapy.
21. The best man speech. Proof that love, panic and a crowd do not mix.
22. Oi oi! The mating call of the Essex male.
23. His and Gavin's goodbyes. Two grown men who cannot end a phone call. Neither can we, to be fair.

Uncle Bryn's greatest hits

24. What's that all about? Bryn's response to modernity, menus and metaphors.
25. Gavin, can I have a word? Nothing good has ever followed this sentence.
26. I'll say no more. He says considerably more.
27. Tremendous. Bryn's five star review of everyday life.
28. The fishing trip. The greatest unexplained mystery in British comedy. What happened on that trip stays on that trip, and honestly the not knowing is the joke.
29. Bryn versus technology. Any scene involving Bryn and a gadget is a quote in itself. The SatNav never recovered.
30. The dolphin. If you know, you know.
31. Every toast Bryn has ever given. Twice as long as the meal, ten times as sincere.

Doris, Pam, Mick and the rest of Barry

32. Doris's compliments. Start sweet, end filthy. The nation's favourite pensioner.
33. Doris on refreshments. Never has bringing a dish to a barbecue sounded so menacing.
34. Oh, Mick! Pam's response to news of any kind, good or catastrophic.
35. Pam's vegetarian era. A dietary commitment maintained with the discipline of a soap plot.
36. My little prince. Pam on Gavin, a grown man with a mortgage.
37. Mick's calm. Not a quote, a lifestyle. The stillest man in Essex.
38. Stacey's I know! Agreement at a frequency only dogs and Gavin can hear.
39. Everyone saying tidy at once. The show in a single word.

What to write in a Gavin and Stacey card

This is where the quotes earn their keep. A Gavin and Stacey line inside a card tells the person you know exactly who they are. Some combinations that work every time:

• Birthdays: "What's occurring? Your birthday, that's what. Tidy." Works for any fan, guaranteed. Browse our funny birthday cards for more.
• Christmas: "Oh oh oh, merry Christmas" for the family group, "Merry Christmas, sugar tits" for the best friend who would frame it. Both live in our funny Christmas cards collection.
• Valentine's Day: "I'm not gonna lie, you'll do." Or go the full Nessa with our I'm Not Gonna Lie Valentine's card and Oh! I Loves You I Do.
• Mother's Day: "Oh! Mam, if truth's be told, I loves you I do." It is the whole message, and it is also a card and a personalised mug.
• Just because: Sign anything "I'll say no more" and then, in the Bryn tradition, write three more paragraphs.

Every card is printed in Manchester on premium 300gsm hammered cardstock, comes blank inside for your own occurring, and ships with an envelope. The mugs are 11oz, dishwasher safe, and printed on both sides, because like Nessa, they do not do half measures. Have a browse of the full funny mugs range while you are here.

Oh, and if we have missed your favourite line, we are on Instagram and we do requests. I'll say no more.